Chiltingham

Statement of Guiding Artistic Philosophy

2010-02-21T01:40:00.000-08:00

Less is more, unless you have too much less and not enough more, leaving you with more less and less more; in which case you'll need less less to get more more.

The Greatest Day Ever

2009-04-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 17, 1987
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Davey Morrison, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'The Greatest Day Ever'.

The Sun

2009-04-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

"We're going into the sun," they chanted, their legs pumping in excitement. "We're going into the sun," over and over again. And what do you think they found there? Elves, of course.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Davey Morrison, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'The Sun'.

The Last Supper

2009-04-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."

The disciples all nodded in agreement. Sure it could be hard sometimes, but right now, with all the love in the room, it was easy. He didn't fully lose them until he got into his extended vine metaphor.

"I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing what is going on down there?"

"James is throwing rolls at me."

"I am not!"

"Then why are there rolls all over the ground?"

"Maybe because you're stupid,"

"Will you two please stop?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Neither did I!"

"You were throwing rolls at me!"

"I was not!"

"Ok fine. Everyone move to the same side of the table. There now nobody can throw rolls."

"It's too crowded now"

"If you have a problem, Peter, take it up with James and his brother."

"I was an entirely innocent victim in his attacks"

"Ok fine, sorry. Now where was I? Right. If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch"

"BEEP"

"HE IS CAST FORTH AS A BRANCH, AND IS WITHERED; AND MEN GATHER THEM, AND CAST THEM INTO THE FIRE Thomas will you stop beeping!"

"BEEP"

"Alright, a new commandment I give unto you, thou shalt not make random noises at the the table. There, are you happy?"

"BAWOOOP"

"He's throwing rolls at me again!"

"I am not!"

Thank God this is the last one of these thought Jesus.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'A Last Supper'.

Laundromat

2009-04-06T15:58:00.000-07:00

Depressed Young Man sits in an empty laundromat. He stares at his laundry spinning around in the drier, like the detritus of his life. He sure is depressed.

DYM: I can't get over my last girlfriend. We were so perfect together. I used to just stare into her eyes for hours. She left me.

Enter Manic Pixie Dream Girl. She's covered in sparkles. She has a guitar slung over one shoulder, and a parrot cage full of her clothes on the other.

MPDG: HI!

DYM: hi

Manic Pixie Dream Girl puts her clothes in the washer, still in the parrot cage.

MPDG: I'm just so crazy!

DYM: I think that might ruin the washer.

MPDG: Silly! You worry too much!

DYM: I find your antics make me somewhat uncomfortable, yet at the same time they are completely alluring.

MPDG: I know!

DYM: Still, I'm so heartbroken that it'll take forty-five minutes for me to get over it.

MPDG: I know what you need! Bubbles!

She grabs Depressed Young Man's detergent and pours a copious amount in each washer. She leaves the lids open, and soon the landromat is covered in bubbles.

DYM: I'm pretty sure this is illegal.

MPDG: Don't worry about it! Live in the moment!

DYM: I feel myself coming out of my stupor, but I'm still scared. I know why I love you, but I can't figure out why you love me.

MPDG: Here let me explain it through song.

(She picks up here guitar and sings)

I'm just a ridiculous male fantasy.
I don't have an interior life.
I exist solely to serve your character arch.

And on it goes.

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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Laundromat'.

Eleanor

2009-03-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Eleanor Roosevelt has kindly volunteered to act as a placeholder until the author is back on his meds.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Eleanor'.

Thought Gift

2009-03-25T03:36:00.000-07:00

James Franco is the greatest human being who has ever lived.

Metamorphosis

2009-03-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

lulz
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Metamorphosis'.

Poverty

2009-03-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dear distributors of world cinema,

I'm done with movies about rural poverty. Mining in particular holds absolutely no interest for me. Yes poverty is an important issue (Lord how we all know that), but come on. Even in there poorest countries not everyone is destitute. Let's hear about those people every now and then.

How about some popular cinema, you know, the movies the people in those countries actually watch? Sure most of it is probably derivative Hollywood style crap (or dubbed actual Hollywood crap). But hey, the way that derivative crap is handled will surely tell us just as much about the national culture as a feature length film about a poor farmer trying to find his cow.

Urban poverty, which is typically slightly more dynamic, is only on notice.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Poverty'.

Prosperity

2009-03-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

I wear my prosperity like a coat.
Like a coat
Like a coat
Like a motherfucking coat
I wear my prosperity like a coat.
See how warm I am.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Prosperity'.

Sanctuary

2009-02-26T21:39:00.000-08:00

My sanctuary is always warm, even when everywhere else is cold. It has everything I need: a bed (warm, obviously), a television with several well stocked game consoles, and a computer with dual monitors for dual convenience. It's a comfortable existence, but sanctuary implies not just warmth and safety inside, but also escape from danger outside. I'm not sure exactly what's out there, but I'm not about to go check.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Sanctuary'.

Forest

2009-02-19T21:20:00.000-08:00

I was lost in the Forest of Hope. Sure it sounds a lot nicer than the Forest of Despair, but you can still die in there. Hope can be debilitating too. You could also be eaten by a bear. Of Happiness.

************
Part Two
Forest Whitaker was tired. Filming is an exhausting process, but this film in particular was really taking it out of him. He took his time loading his bag onto the elevator, and could barely muster the energy to hit the number for his floor. The doors opened on the next floor and Forest instantly jolted wide awake. There, looking quite put out, was his archnemesis, the man who's very name was antithetical to his own, and meant the destruction of everything that is Forest.
"Who's been holding up the damn elevator?"
It was DeForest Kelley
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Forest'.

Superstition

2009-02-12T20:08:00.000-08:00

1: What's your favorite superstition?
2: Hit your mother in the back with a sledgehammer, break your mothers back.
1: I don't think that counts as a superstition.
2: Well that depends on the meaning of superstition. Super means greater than or above.
1: In this case I think it's a reference to supernatural. Above or beyond natural. Unnatural.
2: Nothing natural about hitting your mother in the back with a sledgehammer.
1: Well if you put it that way.
2: But what does stition mean?
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden, and WiL Whitlark of The Real McJesus. This week's theme: 'Superstition'.

Disfigurement Part Two

2009-02-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

1: And that's the way it is son.
2: Well gee Pop, how do you figure?
1: Well son, how do you disfigure?
2: Gee Pop, I never thought of it like that.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series on 'Disfigurement'. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one doing this one.

Disfigurement

2009-02-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

Being mentally disfigured is a lot like being physically disfigured. Except that people in the streets don't stare at your mental disfigurements. Or avoid looking at them to keep themselves form staring. Also physical disfigurements often come with a disability, whereas mental disfigurements I'm not even sure of what that means.

The rest of this post is illegible due to it being disfigured. Physically, not mentally. If it was just mental you could still read it, though what you read might disturb you.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Disfigurement'.

Ventriloquism

2009-01-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

"Ventriloquism?"
"Ventriloquism"
I sighed. "You know your mother and I support you no matter what, but have you really thought this through?"
"Ye-es, of course."
"We can afford the start up cost, of course. It's just don't want this to turn out like your band, or your quilting society, or your becoming a world class domino rally expert."
"It won't be"
"Do you really think this is the best use of your degree?"
"It's a growth industry."
"Honey, I don't think that's true."
"Think about it, vaudeville was last big in the 30's during the Great Depression. Entertainment is always a good industry during financial troubles."
"I'm just not sure that'll extend to ventriloquism."
"Whatever, you're just scared."
"Scared? No I'm just concerned."
"You're scared of the dummies. God Dad, they don't actually come to life"
"What? No. I don't think that. Can't anyone ever discuss ventriloquism without the idiotic notion that they're scary and going to come to life and murder us coming up?"

No. Just then all the dummies came to life and murdered everyone.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Ventriloquism'.

Eifen Deifeiffen

2009-01-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

"What's it called?"
"Eifen Deifeiffen"
"What does it do?"
"It solves all your problems"
"How does it work?"
" You take two pills with a glass of water. The water isn't necessary of course, but most people find it easier to swallow pills if they have water."
"But what does it actually do?"
"It solves all your problems."
"But what does that even mean? How could that even work?"
"You take the fucking pills. Please."

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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Eifen Deifeiffen'.

Vice

2009-01-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

"Help!" I yelled "I got my head trapped in a vice"
"It's spelled with an S" she said.
It's hard to spell when your head is in a vice.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Vice'.

Exodus

2009-01-08T19:59:00.000-08:00

This scene is old. It's only been around for a few hours and its already dying. I bounce. Let's check what's going on over here. They've usually got quality content. Fuck. They haven't updated. How about that site? Haven't been there in a while. Ugh, that's right it's gone to shit. That's why I haven't bothered. Goddammit I really don't want to go to bed. There has to be something worthwhile out there.

I've been wandering for so long. They say it's because I've been worshiping false idols. I have, but it's more complicated relationship than simple cause and effect. The false idols are an integral aspect of the wandering. That's an idea. I could worship some false idols now. Afterall it's supple breasts and giant cocks that have made our nation great. Quite frankly it's getting a little boring, but still one's biological needs need to be met, even if doing so can sometimes be a chore. And one needs to remember what makes one's nation great. That's just patriotism.

Some would say that the restlessness indicates that I should give up my false idols, and join them in the promised land. Not just the lovely naked people, but all of the numerous idols. Fuck them. I've worshiped their idol too, and it isn't any more real than the others. Everything is a false idol, unworthy of our worship. But worship we do, because that's what we do. We've all been wandering the desert for forty years, and I don't think any of us will make it out alive.

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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of http://chiltingham.blogspot.com/>Chiltingham, John Allred of http://cloltown.blogspot.com/>clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of http://thirdmango.blogspot.com/>Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of http://modern-revelation.blogspot.com/>Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of http://www.whatnotstudios.com/>Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of http://josephschlegel.blogspot.com/>Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of http://volkerthefiddler.blogspot.com/>Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Exodus'.

2008-12-07T02:09:00.000-08:00

He thought for a minute, then typed "lol".

First line of my new novel.

2008-11-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

First off let's get one thing clear, Ron is a total dickhole.

Short Story

2008-06-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

"I've made a decision" he said. "From now on, let's live meaningful lives. Also let's never die"
"If we're never gonna die, can wait till tomorrow on the meaningful lives thing?" I asked. "I have plans."
"What plans?"
Next thing we knew, we were grabbing the shopping cart set out with all the surplus Easter candy. 75% off said the sign taped to the side.
Five hours later we were on the couch and floor. "I'm gonna die," I said as I reached for another Cadbury Creme Egg.

Movie Idea

2008-03-03T03:18:00.000-08:00

A madman is driven to murder by the wild beat of his favorite metal song. An outraged American public imprisons the band for the crimes their music inspired. Now the only man that can save them is the madman who started it all. Will he succeed? Find out in this hilarious family romp.

Or would it be funnier as...

2008-01-31T02:13:00.000-08:00

...Henry James wrote novels like a philosopher, while William James wrote philosopher like a novels?

You know what they say...

2008-01-31T02:08:00.000-08:00

...William James wrote philosophy like a novelist, while Henry James wrote novelist like a philosophy.

Now someone write me a medieval epic adventure into which I may insert this scene

2008-01-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

We've reached a critical juncture in this medieval epic. The band of adventurers have been arguing and on the verge of breaking up. The air is thick with silent tension as they stare each other down. The silence is broken by a melodious ringing.
1: Hold on a second, shit.
He fumbles with his armor and eventually pulls out a cellphone.
1:Hello?
pause for response
1: No.
pause for response
1: I'm on this fucking adventure.
pause for response
1: No, not that one.
pause for response
1: Yes.
pause for response
1: Yes, the big one.
pause for response
1: I dunno, like a couple fucking months.
pause for response
1: Yeah.
pause for response
1: I don't think so.
pause for response
1: I highly doubt it.
pause for response
1: (laughs) You have a point there.
pause for response
1:Okay
pause for response
1: Okay. See you when I see you. Bye.
He hangs up.
1: Sorry about that.

An oft true story

2007-11-12T23:10:00.000-08:00

The other day I thought of something really funny to write, and I thought I should go post that, but I didn't.

2007-10-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

Just in case you thought this

was a monkey, Clint Eastwood would like you to know

No Wilhelm

2007-10-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's gone far enough. Wilhelm needs to be stopped. I pledge right now that Wilhelm will never make an appearance in one of my films.

Also, Dumbledore is gay.

CBT

2007-10-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

1: So I'm thinking of getting into CBT.
2: Oh God.
3: What's CBT?
2: Don't
1: Cock and ball torture
2: Please stop.
3: Jesus, why would you do that?
1: I dunno man, someone linked me this clip from Cock Stompers. I didn't think I'd see the appeal, but no, actually it's pretty damn hot.
2: ughhhhhhhhhhh

Party of the Millennium

2007-09-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

1: Dude, where were you yesterday?
2: Just at my apartment. Why?
1: We were trying to get a hold of you for like three hours.
2: Yeah, I forgot to charge my phone. Didn't even realize it was out of batteries until this morning. Why? What was going on?
1: Oh man you should have been there. It was crazy. Everyone was there. It was awesome.
2: Damn. Sorry I missed it.
1: Yeah, sucks dude.
2: Oh well it's not like it was the second coming of Christ.
1: Well actually...
2: What!? You're fucking with me.
1: Weeeelllll...
2: Seriously!? Fuck!! Why didn't you fucking call me!?
1: We did!
2: I know, but fuck!
1: I'm sorry man.
2: Was it great?
1: Dude it was so fucking awesome. He had us all laughing all night. Best fucking night of my life.
2: FUCK FUCK

The Green Knight

2007-08-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

1: Jerry's girlfriend left him.
2: Really? Why?
1: Well, he is a drug addict.
2: Yeah, but a functional one.
1:Yeah....
He trails off into thought.
2: Thinking about your lost love?
1: I don't have a lost love.
2: You should get one though.
1: Mmmm.
He lapses into though again.
2: You know what you should get? A magical pixie girl.
1: No.
2: You're a depressed young man. Depressed young men need magical pixie girls to make them realize the value of life.
1: I don't want a magic pixie girl.
2: Do it.
1: No.
They both lapse into silence. The Green Knight enters.
GK: Hey, you guys wanna chop my head off?
1: Not really.
2: A little.
GK: Have at it.
2: Well not right now.
GK: Well you feel free anytime.
2: Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
The Green Knight takes his leave.
2: The Green Knight's a good guy.
1: Yeah.
2: Probably not going to chop his head off.
1: No.
2: Well I've gotta get going to work. Later.
1: Later.

Wizard Magic

2007-08-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

1: Come on dude. Use some of your wizard magic.
2: I don't have any wizard magic. I only have regular magic.

2007-08-10T01:26:00.000-07:00

Only Eagle Scouts get into the Celestial Kingdom.

Word.

2007-07-12T02:06:00.000-07:00

1: You know what, fuck mammoths. Mastodons are where it's at.
2: I hear you man, mastodons kick ass.
1: Word. Anoint me with thy rock.

Fuck

2007-06-16T01:05:00.000-07:00

Fuck

We should get married.

2007-06-14T03:34:00.000-07:00

We should get married. I mean, I know it'll never last, but still I want something to show for it. Otherwise it's as if we as we never existed. A divorce goes on your permanent record. I think we've earned that.

2007-05-23T02:28:00.001-07:00

Do you kiss your mother with that acid tongue?

South Jordan 2

2007-05-23T02:19:00.000-07:00

1: So apparently 2's in South Jordan.
3: What the hell would anyone be doing in South Jordan?
1: Sorry, I meant southern Jordan.
3: Question still applies. Doesn't matter anyway though. He's lying.
1: Probably.
3: Definitely. We were just at his place last night.
1: That was two weeks ago.
3: Oh, right. Still, mark my words, motherfucker is just sitting at home playing xbox.

2007-05-15T01:26:00.001-07:00

It's not that I don't trust you; it's that I don't know how to finish this sentence.

They sure are

2007-04-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

1: Who's an American band?
2: Grand Funk Railroad.
1: Right.

2007-04-21T02:36:00.000-07:00

1: Whatcha doing?
2: Brooding.
1: k, call me when you're done

Misogynists give the best relationship advice

2007-04-18T00:32:00.000-07:00

1: I really like her.
2: Dude just turn in balls right now.
1: What?
3: You're giving her exactly what she wants.
2: Exactly.
1: What's wrong with that?
2 laughs.
3: It means she's in control.
1: So what, I'm only supposed to go out with someone I hate?
2: No, you're supposed to go out with someone you don't care about at all.
3: Think about it. If you like her, that means her good opinion matters to you. That means she has power over you. You're whipped.

A speech from the CEO

2007-04-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

Fuck you guys. We're moving into that building. I have controlling interest in this business, and what I say goes. That building is fucking awesome. I don't care about the high rent. You're a bunch of assholes. It has a rocket slide, and we're moving. That's final. You can all go to hell.

The Ruffian

2007-04-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

The ruffian reveals that he has a heart made entirely from gold, and that his companions too have hearts made from similarly valued metals.

2007-04-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

I'm all out of bread, so I decided to try nutella on a slice of cheddar. It tasted like nutella and cheddar but at the same time instead of individually.

That crazy being called God

2007-04-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

They say God only gives you as much as you can bear. That's a vote of no confidence I can get behind.

South Jordan

2007-04-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

1 answers his phone, seeing it's 2.

1: Hey dude, what's up?
2: Nothing much. Hey could you some pick me up?
1: Where you at?
2: South Jordan
1: That's a bit of a drive.
2: Yeah.
1: Where exactly are you?
2: Ma'an
1: Is that that restaurant on 114th and Redwood?
2: No dude, it's a city.
1: I thought you were in South Jordan.
2: Oh right, sorry, southern Jordan.
1: You mean the south part of the country Jordan.
2: Yeah dude, so can you pick me up?

I steal

2007-04-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

At times I won't be afraid of stealing from real life. Real life presents some great material and I'd be a fool not to steal from it. For example:

J-Roc: For example, I am a rumble room and you are the doctor of France.

That was as out of context in real life as it is here. Seriously what the fuck?

Last night

2007-03-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

Last night my roommates spent three hours trying to convince me to kill myself and every time I responded they repeated what I said in a high pitched mocking voice.

Idea for a Sitcom Episode

2007-03-29T00:52:00.000-07:00

A modern day man shows up in the early 19th century, and goes about wooing Elizabeth Bennett, much to the chagrin of Mr. Darcy. As the episode draws to a close, it's revealed to be self insertion Pride and Prejudice fanfiction, which the authors two friends are reading and laughing at.

Disaffection

2007-03-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

Disaffection is usually an affectation.

A man

2007-03-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

I saw a man sitting on a concrete barrier in the middle of I-15. He seemed to be surveying traffic. I have no idea what this meant.

A New Hope?

2007-03-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

1: So how'd it go?
2: Not good.
1: What'd she say?
2: She said I was the nicest guy she knows, and that she thinks of me as a brother.
1: Ouch.
3: That's great!
2: Great?
1: It doesn't sound good dude.
3: Think about it. Reverse the first two letters of nicest and what do you get? That's right incest. She thinks of you as a brother, and she's into it.

Carrots

2007-03-17T03:09:00.000-07:00

The problem with carrots is that they taste like carrots.

The silence

2006-12-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

1: Have you ever listened to how silent it is when the power goes out? It's only then that you notice how much noise all our machines really make. I find it fascinating to just sit there in the dark and listen to the silence.

2: Yeah, I was really into that back in its early days; y'know, before it got all popular.

Out of the mouth of babes

2006-11-14T01:18:00.000-08:00

H: Who's gonna take the kids?
W: Feldman can take them.
B: Feldman's a noob.
H: The boy has a point. Feldman is a noob.

LARPers are people too

2006-11-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

1: Why is it socially acceptable for someone to get buried in his football uniform, but if I want to get buried with my cloak and broadsword it's considered horrible and geeky?

2: You want to get buried with your cloak and broadsword?

1: Fuck no. That would be horrible and geeky. I just want... They're geeks too, damn it!

I want all of you

2006-10-15T00:54:00.000-07:00

I want all of you, the bad as well as the good. At least that's what I'm supposed to say; it's the ideal. But really how can I commit to that when I don't really know what that wholly entails? Sure I can enjoy some bad traits. An acid tongue can be quite delightful. But what if you're secretly into kitten stomping? That shit's fucked up.

a good explanation

2006-10-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

2 has just done something incredibly stupid; 1 confronts him.

1:What do you have to say for yourself
2:Dodongo dislike smoke
1:True, but entirely irrelevant.

A stament on format and an example

2006-09-30T01:18:00.000-07:00

At times amusing (or semi-amusing) exchanges spring forth, like Minerva, from Zeus's, or in this case my, mind. Fortunately a metaphorical spear doesn't hurt as much as a literal one does. It is my wish to use this space to record said exchanges while they are still fresh in the mind.
When I collect enough of these scraps of scenes I will collect them and put them into a horrible mish-mash of a movie. I suck at character names so I'll use numbers instead, like so:

1: Get over yourself.
2: I can't. I broke my heart.

I would qualify that as semi-amusing. In fact I think most of the things I post here will be semi-amusing rather than the full thing. I really should have put the amusing in the parentheses, and the semi-amusing first, but alas it is too late. Also if I used the Roman Minerva I should have also used the Roman Jupiter instead of the Greek Zeus. Man, I’m really slipping.

Welcome to Chiltingham

2006-09-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Chiltingham, I hope you enjoy your stay. If you've read this far, and even that is doubtful, you're probably wondering what's the point. Does the world need yet another blog? Does it need the vitriol and exaggeration that comes from the inevitable "rants"? Probably not, but what those questions fail to account for is that I'm greatest human being who ever lived. My observations are pure gold: consistently insightful, witty, and convincing. It's pretty much certain that the world of blogging, or "blogosphere" if you're a fucker, was all a build up to this crowning achievement of human thought.

If you're still reading, and that is looking less and less likely, you're probably thinking something along the lines of "fuck, another megalomaniac who thinks he has the greatest page in the universe. What can this fucker offer me that all those other assholes can't?" It's a good question. Fortunately I have a good answer. Unlike all the other megalomaniacs in the Kingdom of Blog, I'm not a rampant misogynist. The thoughts of people of every gender are equally welcome at Chiltingham. Welcoming anyone's thoughts might seem like an odd position to take for a man that is never wrong, but as my sister has often pointed out to me, for a man who is never wrong I still manage to be wrong with surprising frequency. This leads us, but far from seamlessly, to the real reason for this blog.

By now, after all the gobbledygook, no one is reading this. That's the way I want it. For the true purpose of this blog is to act as a piece of scratch paper. "Why don't you just use some actual scratch paper?" you're not asking, because you're no longer reading. "Because scratch paper is a bitch to carry around" I reply to the unasked question. It's much easier to carry around a tower, monitor, keyboard and mouse. Also scratch paper is easy to lose, and someone else may find it, which would be bad. Much better to post my private thoughts in a public forum.